March 26, 2011

Search Me (round 2)

The following article was originally posted on March 25, 2009 - exactly 2 years ago yesterday.  So, this is a repost.  I've never reposted anything that I had previously written, but when looking through my earlier writings I was drawn to the fact that many things I wrote in the early months of blogging were never read by anyone but me.  In those days I didn't know how to connect with other bloggers so I was simply writing for the sake of writing.  So, I think on occassion I will repost some of those early thoughts.  It also has helped for me to revisit where I was and reafirm God's work in my life.

~ Search Me ~

It’s been hectic these days. My mom was in the hospital for two weeks. She’s home now and making progress however the two weeks she was in the hospital were trying ones. I’m not sure I handled it with all the grace that I should have.

Every night before I go to sleep I say this prayer, “Search my heart O God and see if there be any offensive way in me and lead me to righteousness.” This is my own paraphrase of Psalm 139:23, 24 which says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” After I pray this prayer I wait with the Lord as he takes me through my day and points out those things which were offensive to him or demonstrated a lack of faith, maybe even disobedience. I confess these things to him and allow him to teach me and show me his way. As I have grown in my faith I have also begun to pray this prayer not only at the end of the day, but at the end of an event, period of time, or challenge such as my mother’s hospital stay. “Search my heart O God and see if there be any offensive way in me and lead me to righteousness……let’s look at this event, did I honor you in my actions, my faith, my words?”

At first I thought I panicked a bit too much while my mother was in the hospital. My prayers were so urgent as if God wasn’t hearing me. But God has shown me that there is a difference between a prayer of despair and a prayer of desperation. With Christ there is no despair, but I may be desperate for his touch. As I pray in faith I seek to have the assurance of what I have asked for and God is often faithful to bring it. Yet there are those times for whatever reason that I do not have the assurance I am seeking in a certain thing yet God’s word says it should be so and in these times I hold to the faith of adherence. It is better than no faith at all. God may say something is so in his Word even though I don’t feel it in my soul so I stand fast adhering to what I know. What does the word adherence really mean? defines it this way, “steady devotion, support, allegiance or attachment.” I will adhere to what God’s Word says even in those times when I don’t feel the assurance in my spirit.

After my Mom came home from the hospital she had been home only one day when I got a call from my sister that they were taking her to the emergency room. I had a long talk with God about my faith that night. I said, “do you remember (as if he would forget) when Jesus was asleep on the bottom of the boat while the storm was raging? That’s the kind of faith I want to have.” God has pointed out to me that often times when I am praying, I am raising one hand in praise and affirmation while holding the other hand behind my back with my fingers crossed. Ouch, that hurt, but describes so well how I am at times. That’s not acceptable, but God is bringing me forth and taking me deeper still. I see his work in my life more and more each day.

I’m thankful for what God is doing for my mother and I’m thankful for what he is doing in me. His word is true and it becomes evident in your life when you abide in him.

Today I am linking up with:


  1. I love this repost... so glad that you did post it a second time...

  2. Definitely a worthy post to repost! So glad you did. I am going to start doing what you suggest in your post..."search me oh, God and point out all that is not glorifying you" in my life at night. It's a good habit to get into.
    Thank you and praying you have a very restful Sabbath.

  3. "...praising with my fingers crossed behind me..."

    I feel the ouch!

    This was a great piece to re-post.

    Sweet dreams.

  4. Some posts are timeless truths just meant to be reposted. Thankful you allowed yourself to be led of God to repost. Adherence without assurance -- where I want to be.

    Thanking God for this truth,

  5. Hi Stephani,

    This is my first visit to your blog and I so appreciate your candid honesty. This post speaks to the spiritual intimacy between you and our Lord.

    How often I've spoken those words in prayer and found myself too rushed to hear God's critique of my day. I now find myself wanting to hear God's critique, giving Him a valued place in my life.

    Blessings and peace.


  6. Stephani, I love Psalm 139. Your photo is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.



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