As I look at the chaos all around me, how it seems to be playing out everywhere in my life, I have to ask the question, “Is it me?” I am the common denominator in all of it after all. Should I be taking a longer look at myself to try and figure out how I could be the one to blame?
I sit here in the dark and wonder how such a beautiful morning turned into such a bleak afternoon. The day couldn’t have started out any better. I had a brief conversation with my husband on the phone while I lay still in bed and he was gone to the shores of the river to fish, moments alone in Bible study, and a real meaty conversation with God. Yes, the day started out great, and I was looking forward to all it might hold and all that might get accomplished. Then unexpectedly, the thoughtless planning and carless words of others sent me into a tailspin. The camel’s back broke. Hours later, I am sitting here, still in my pajamas, un-showered, tearstained, and alone. Withdrawing myself from those around who mean well, but only seem to make things worse, I'm missing my fishing hubby terribly; I find I feel more alone than I have ever felt in my life.
My phone rings and I see the name of my Bible study leader on my caller Id. I hit the reject button. I don’t feel like talking. I don’t ever feel like talking about personal things or prayer requests, but especially not today. I shove my phone to the side and continue to sit with shades drawn. I knew I was going to have to call my parents and explain to them in some fashion why I wouldn’t be meeting the family for dinner. It wasn’t an easy task, and I hate burdening them when they are already so frail and heavy laden. As I tried to talk to my Mom without unloading my brokenness, I realized how much I miss my parents. How much I miss having them take my burdens, help me carry them, and sometimes carry them all by themselves. My parents are my best friends, but they can’t take care of me anymore. Who can take care of me now but God? He truly is and must be my all and all.
The word despair comes to mind. Despair. What does that really mean anyway? I get out the dictionary and look it up. Despair – complete loss of hope. I realize because of Jesus I can’t possibly be in despair. Maybe I have moments, but not a life of desperation. Somehow he has made sense of it all even when I see complete nonsense.
I pick up the phone to listen to the voicemails that have been left. My Bible study leader had left a message. Her chipper voice broke the darkness as I listened to the hope in her voice that spread through the room like a ray of sunshine. She doesn’t know what she does for us, for me. As usual, she left a verse for me. How did she know what I would need to hear? God must have whispered it in her ear:
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Grace for yet another day.