It seems I've written a lot on this blog about having faith, bearing up under burdens, abiding in Christ, and resisting sin. I almost laugh (if I don't I will probably cry) that in spite of all I think I know about these subjects, and all that God has been teaching me, I still struggle with these very things so much. I seem to have a problem of thinking I'm going to reach perfection here on earth, but I have proven to myself, or maybe God has proven to me, over and over again how ridiculous that is. Striving for Godly perfection, living a holy life, these are my aims, but only when I meet Christ face to face will I be perfect. I recently read something that said, in effect, as we develop a more and more intimate relationship with God, even the most insignificant sin affects us deeply. This is so true. His grace is so significant. It is a free gift. We can do nothing to earn it. NOTHING can separate us from his love. He loves us so much he will keep pursuing us until we are in right relationship with him. Isn't that what we do when we love someone?
I have really been struggling the last couple of months with several things. My whole life seems to have gotten off track and somewhat unrecognizable. I think it boils down to discontentment. When you allow yourself to move into a state of discontent you have allowed your self to become vulnerable to a whole litany of unpleasantries. I am thankful for all I have been going through lately because it has caused me to question everything, and those things that are important have come out on top. It has also caused me to clearly see how precious grace is. I have tripped over my own self-righteousness and found that grace is the only thing that can pick me up. All that I am is a gift from God. My family, friends and all I have are gifts. My past with all it contains is a gift and my present is a gift. The future isn't mine yet, but whatever God chooses to make a part of it will also be a gift. God is ever faithful. He always recognizes a contrite heart bowed low before him. I recently wrote a poem about how our communication with God is broken when we sin. I don't share my poetry with many people. My poetry is kind of different I think, and I don't take criticism well. Yes, another thing I am working on! Anyway, I would like to share it here and finish by saying I'm OK. I'm more than OK because of God's faithfulness to me in spite of myself.
Breathless When I spit on Him, He shuts His mouth and clasps both hands over his ears.
Not in shock or awe, but in a silent crushing blow.
Vacating His words from my space, as a punch in the stomach steals my breath,
so His deafness leaves me blind.
Only my contrite words will open His ears.
I must speak them.
I am not dumb.
I cannot live breathless in the dark. ~ Written by Stephani Cochran July 16, 2009
Psalm 66:18 “If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me.” Isaiah 59:2 “It is your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, he has turned away and will not listen anymore.”